Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Man, Tiger, Mouse And God

A man was being chased by a tiger. He ran as hard as he could until he was at the edge of a cliff with the tiger in hot pursuit. The man looked over the edge of the cliff and saw a branch growing out of the side of the cliff a few feet down. He jumped down and grabbed the branch just as the tiger reached the cliff. The tiger growled viciously as the man sighed a great sigh of relief.
Just then a mouse came out from a crevice and began to chew on the branch. The man looked down to what was a drop of a thousand feet and sure death and looked to the heavens and yelled out, "Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help."
Suddenly a voice came booming down from heaven, "You will do anything I ask?" it questioned.
The man shocked to hear a reply to his plea yelled back, "I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me."
The voice from heaven then replied, "There is one way to save you but it will take courage and faith."
The branch began to weaken from the mouse and the tiger was still growling a few feet above the man, "Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my will."
The voice from heaven then said, "All right then, let go of the branch."
The man looked down to a fall of a thousand feet and certain death. He looked up at the hungry tiger a few feet away and he looked at the mouse still chewing on the branch. Then he looked up at the heavens and yelled, "Is there anyone else up there?"

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Doctor Jokes

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the cup before you drink."

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Learning Tenses

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.

Mexican Architect To Rebuilt World Trade Centre

Friday, September 7, 2012

Being Courteous

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. 
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" 
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Girl I Like The Most

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Adam talks to God.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?""I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?""I did that Adam so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?""Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

New Study

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Grandma\'s peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Teacher Students Jokes

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it? 
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me? 

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia? 
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines! 

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there! 

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 
Pupil: I know. But, maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

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