Have A Happy Monday





Ever Notice That In Movies ?

  • During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
  • It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • The Chief of Police is always black.
  • When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
  • Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
  • Enter Password Now.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, even in the middle of New York City.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
  • Bad guys can spray machine-gun fire everywhere, never hitting the hero (But hitting the ground and objects nearby) and the hero can hit a bad guy at 100 yards with a five-shot revolver that can fire twenty bullets without reloading.

Breaking Jaws Like A Princess


Being Sarcastic

  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • You!... Off my planet!
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you haven't fallen asleep
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  • I plead contemporary insanity.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
  • You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
  • Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Toilet Restaurant





Tell Me Why

  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there floatation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
  • Have you ever imagined the world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
  • If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If a cow laughs, would milk come out it's nose?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped the cat from a height, what would happen?
  • If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • You know what to do when a label on a package says "Open Here." What is the protocol if the label says "Open Somewhere Else."?
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
  • Why can't they make the whole airplane out of the same material as the indestructible black box?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Sleeping In Office, Safely




An Irishman's Jocular Tale

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. 
After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. 
Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. 
After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Story Of Ant & Grasshopper


Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National > Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Math Homework


Funny Accident Reports

These quotes were found in the July 26, 1977 issue of the Toronto News. They are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetence can be highly entertaining.


  1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
  3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
  10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
  11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
  17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
  20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

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