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Health Benefits Of Being Overweight


A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

They Are All Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

"Lookin for me."

Best Wedding Pics I've Ever Seen

Cell Phone Etiquette


After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life — yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Very Special Ring


A white-haired guy walked into a jeweler's shop one Friday, with a beautiful young blonde on his side.

"I'm looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand," he says. "I want something really unique," says the man.

At that, the excited jeweler goes and gets his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $45,000," he says, dollar signs in his eyes.

The girl's eyes sparkled, and the customer said that he would take it, adding "I'll pay by check, but of course you and the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order. So I'll write the check, you can phone the bank, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very angry jeweler phones the man. "You bastard!!! You lied!! There's no money at all in that account!"

"I know," said the man, "Sorry. But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

You're An Extreme Redneck When

  1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
  3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
  5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.
  7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  9. Your junior prom offered day care.
  10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.
  11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
  17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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That's OK


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Revival


Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Road Sign


As Clean As It Gets


A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks.

He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

He said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

Look What I Found !


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

What $1 Will Buy ?


Charity Begins In The Home


A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a  traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

If Patenting Names Are Allowed


Johnie : Smarter Than Average Kids


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and  behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"

Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking,

"What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer,

Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last

two questions myself!"

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