Thursday, October 3, 2013

US Govt Shutdown

Eye Opener

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. “My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

Friday, September 13, 2013

Saturday, August 31, 2013

If At First I don't succeed, There Is Always Next Year.

  1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
  8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
  13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Too Close To TV

Thursday, August 29, 2013

All You Need Is A Little Motivation

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son-in-law. 'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well...... if something happens to me, your mother in law is going to come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Famous Quotes

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. -Abba Eban

How many legs does a dog have - if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. -Abraham Lincoln

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. -Albert Einstein

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. -Ellen Parr

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -Unknown

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. -Alfred Adler

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -Ambrose Bierce

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. -Arthur Schopenhauer

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. -Barry LePatner

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? -Bertolt Brecht

Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some ask what happened. -Casey Stengel

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. -Albert Einstein

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. -Charles Wadsworth

One dog barks at something. And a hundred dogs bark at the sound. -Chinese Proverb

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. -David Cobitz

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. -Dudley Moore

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. -Franklin P. Jones

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? -George Carlin

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. -Jascha Heifetz

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. -Joe Martin

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -John Kenneth Galbraith

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. -John Ruskin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin

If everything’s under control, you’re going too slow. -Mario Andretti

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -Mark Twain

I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. -New York City detective

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. -Oscar Wilde

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. -Saint Augustine

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -Sam Levenson

I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly. -Timothy Connor

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure. -Unknown Author

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. -William Blake

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. -Claud Cockburn

It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. -Albert Einstein

If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. -Frank Wilczek

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. -John Wooden

Friday, August 23, 2013

How T-Shirts Are Priced

Good Things About Getting Older

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
  4. People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won't wear out!
  8. You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
  9. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  10. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  11. Your eyes won't get much worse.
  12. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  13. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
  14. Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
  15. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Chinese Joke Of The Year


Too good...

This Is Unique

Best Friends

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".

Proud Fathers

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.

One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

I Hate Everybody

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

100 Floor Climb

3 Friends living in a room at 100th floor of the building!

One day LIFT was not working, so they decided to tell a story for time pass.
They start to walk in steps!

1st person told an action story upto 50th floor! ...

2nd person told a comedy story upto 99th floor! ...

3rd person told most horror story which had only 1 sentence...!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Wrong e-mail Address

A couple going on vacation, but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Over Speeding ?

Judge: Whats the proof that u were not Over speeding?
Man: My Lord, I was going to my in-laws place to bring my wife back.

Judge: Case dismissed.

Out Of Office Reply

Friday, June 28, 2013

Real Experiment

A druggist told a doctor friend that he has at last discovered one very good use of mother – in – law.
The doctor friend asked what it was?
Druggist replied, “To try newly discovered medicines on them before these are marketed for common human use”.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Wedding Dress Joke

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained.
"And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

5 Nice Little Stories

Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all  the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella.

. . . . .
When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

. . . . .
Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next Morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.

. . . . .
We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

. . . . .
We see the world suffering.... But still we get married !!!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Quack, Quack, Quack

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter.
He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!"
She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also.
She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven. The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity.
The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."

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