His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. “My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?
“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
- I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
- I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
- I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
- I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
- I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
- I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
- If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
- I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
- I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
- I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
- I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
- I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son-in-law. 'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well...... if something happens to me, your mother in law is going to come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success.
How many legs does a dog have - if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. -Abraham Lincoln
Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. -Albert Einstein
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. -Ellen Parr
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -Unknown
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein
It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. -Alfred Adler
Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -Ambrose Bierce
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. -Arthur Schopenhauer
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. -Barry LePatner
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? -Bertolt Brecht
Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some ask what happened. -Casey Stengel
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. -Albert Einstein
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. -Charles Wadsworth
One dog barks at something. And a hundred dogs bark at the sound. -Chinese Proverb
A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. -David Cobitz
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. -Dudley Moore
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. -Franklin P. Jones
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? -George Carlin
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman
No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. -Jascha Heifetz
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. -Joe Martin
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -John Kenneth Galbraith
What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. -John Ruskin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin
If everything’s under control, you’re going too slow. -Mario Andretti
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -Mark Twain
I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. -New York City detective
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. -Oscar Wilde
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. -Saint Augustine
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -Sam Levenson
I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly. -Timothy Connor
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure. -Unknown Author
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. -William Blake
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. -Claud Cockburn
It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. -Albert Einstein
If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. -Frank Wilczek
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. -John Wooden
Tags: Famous Quotes
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out!
- You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Tags: old people
One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
One day LIFT was not working, so they decided to tell a story for time pass.
They start to walk in steps!
1st person told an action story upto 50th floor! ...
2nd person told a comedy story upto 99th floor! ...
3rd person told most horror story which had only 1 sentence...!
that is "I FORGOT THE ROOM KEY IN CAR"
Tags: Text Jokes
A couple going on vacation, but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Tags: Funny short stories
. . . . .
When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
. . . . .
Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next Morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
. . . . .
We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
. . . . .
We see the world suffering.... But still we get married !!!
THAT'S " OVER CONFIDENCE ! "
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