Friday, May 31, 2013

Saying No Can be Dangerous

A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He couldn't control his curiosity n asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.. SO...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Typical Wives

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
but there iz no reply.....
He sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I getting an increment in my salary at the end of the month and I'm getting you a new car"this time  
She texts back,  "OMG really?"
Husband replied, : "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message"

Monday, May 27, 2013

Traveller Comedy

A traveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field as to how long it would take to get to the next village. The old man did not answer, so the stranger went on his way. He had not gone far when he heard a call : “Hi, mister, come back. ”The traveller returned and the old man said, “It’ll take you about 20 minutes”. “Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?” asked the traveller. “How did I know how fast you were going to walk?” replied the old man.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Teacher Students Homework Comedy

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.
She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Monday, May 20, 2013

During the Community Society Funny Meeting

During the Community Society meeting, the Chairman asked people how their business was.
The Community consisted of people in different professions.
Tailor replied: Just Sew – Sew
Farmer: Mine is growing
Author: All write
Astronomer: it is looking up
Trash collector: It’s picking up.
Electrician: It’s pretty light.
Elevator operator: Mine has its ups and downs.

God is Getting Perfect Day By Day

My little girl was sitting on my lap facing a mirror.
After gazing intently at her reflection for some minutes, she said: ‘Papa, did God make you?’
“certainly, my dear,’ I told her.
“And did he make me, to?’ taking another look in the mirror.
“Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?’
“Seems to me He’s doing better work lately.”

No More Accusations please

After quarrelling with his wife, the man grabbed her by the arm and dragged her down to his local pub.
He bought a pint of bitter and thrust in into her hands.
‘Here, drink that,’ he said. His wife took one gulp and made her face in disgust, and said, “How can you drink such foul – tasting stuff?”
Her husband beamed with satisfaction, “Right then”,
he said, “I will have no more accusations from you that I come down here to enjoy myself.”

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Pearly Gates of Heaven...

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second."That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man."If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Cheating Death

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend today is your day"

Guy:- "But I'm not ready!".

Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list".

Guy : "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?".

Then death said,"All right.. ".

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy,

"Because you have been so very nice to me,

I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.."

Moral : What ever is written in your destiny will never change no matter how much you try to..!!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Police Investigating..

Police : Where do you live?
Kid : With my parents
Police: Where does your parents live?
Kid : With me
Police : Where do you all live?
Kid : Together
Police : Where is your house?
Kid : Next to my neighbors house
Police : Where is your neighbors house?
Kid : If I tell you, you wont believe me
Police : Tell me Kid : Next to my house

Friday, May 10, 2013

Intelligent Woman

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. 
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. 
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Americans and Russians...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Monday, May 6, 2013

Need Water!

An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes." The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

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