Chance By Luck

The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman traveling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.
On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black.
Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kiss followed by a slap.  When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.
The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."
The grandmother thinks, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my granddaughter.  I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."
The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."
And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both."

Pub Steakout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Speeding Ticket

A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination.  The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you."
 "Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."

Why Did You Die?

A man was at a grave yard.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"

Can I Help?

As the new minister in town was walking down the street, he saw a little boy straining every muscle to reach the door-bell.  He realized the little guy would never make it, although he admired the kid's tenacity. So he walked up on the porch to help.
"Here buddy, need some help?" He lifted the tyke who rang the bell.
As he set the child down, the kid took off running and called back over his shoulder, "Run mister! Here come the lady!"

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

50 $ Ride

Funny Short Story - Jokes 50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther I'm 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.' The pilot over heard the couple and said, 'folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't . I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!'

Finding Friends : Pre Cellphone Era


Ladies On The Bus

A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking
her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.

The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.

The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the
hell were you doing?"

"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we
make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and
I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."

Husband Down

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.  The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. Husband jokes
A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'
Eddie never knew what hit him.
The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'

Will's Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area.  So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.  She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

Do It Again Daddy

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5 cent and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5 cent that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.  Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

That Look

Uhhhhh.....

via

The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself]

Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store.  Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.

Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses.  Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.  Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.

Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard.  Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.

Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department.  She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look.

The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. 

Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.  At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.

The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'

Current Hits

Booking.com

Booking.com