Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Whale Enjoying With Beach Goers


Funny Comments Captured From Actual Police Car Videos

  • “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 
  • “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  • “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 
  • “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”(LOVE IT) 
  • “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” (MY FAVORITE) 
  • “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  • “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 
  • “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 
  • "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center ) 
  • "Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?” 
  • "No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  • "I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.” 
AND THE WINNER IS….
  • "You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.” 

How A Bad Day Looks Like


Monday, January 29, 2018

Who Wore It Better ?

Monday Morning Blues


via

Short Jokes


Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?
To minimize casual tees...

HR: "Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"
Me : "But I never went to college."

HR:  "I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."


On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."


My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."


Why do women and children get to evacuate first?
So the men can die in peace


What do nurses watch at the old folks home?
The grammies!

Man Of Steel .. Watch Till End


Snow Shoveling Blues

Thursday, January 25, 2018

The Captain Goes Down With The Ship

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."


An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one." He starts cleaning the rifle again.


A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"

He says, "I don't care, just get out!"


When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Cut My Life in 2...


Wednesday, January 17, 2018

You Caught My Eye

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

How Did Fake Hawaii Missile Alert Happened ?

The Answer to "How Cold It Is" ?


When You Try To Touch Same Side Of A Magnet

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Its Tough Being Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Please stop, please... stop it!

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. 

They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out and kick him. The rabbi is really scared and screams: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

Then another gang shows up, Mexicans this time, even bigger than the black dudes. They fight the black guys, destroy them, then turn to the taxi and the driver, and wreck both of them. The driver is nearly dead, blood everywhere. The cab is smoking, windows broken... And the rabbi is still really, really scared. He continues screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

Then the police shows up, shoot the Mexicans, handcuff the survivors, call an ambulance for the driver and try to patch him up. The rabbi is still in the car, and seems more and more scared. He's still screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"

A policeman helps him out, and sees the terror on his face. "Calm down, we saved you, everything is alright," he says. "Please stop, please... stop it!" continues the rabbi. 

The policeman tries to reassure him. "It's gonna be alright, you're safe!" "Please stop, please... stop it!" 

The policeman gets a bit angry "Look, you're safe, you need to calm down!" The rabbi then looks at the taxi, his eyes filled with terror. "Please stop, please... stop the meter!"

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