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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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geek
Archive of posts published in month of June. Check out if you missed out on any.
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archive
10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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funny lists
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' “
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marriage jokes
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.
“What’ll ya have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, it’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
What’d You Think?
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marriage jokes
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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misc,
old people
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
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misc
A small boy was playing with a basketball in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the houses by the street. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the ball’s owner. He arrived.
“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and father’s come to mend it.”
Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his ball, ran off.
The window finished, the man said:
“That’ll be three pounds, mum.”
“Three pounds!” gasped the woman. “But your son broke it. The little fellow with the ball. You’re his father, aren’t you?”
The man shook his head.
“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended.
You’re his mother, aren’t you?”
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kids
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but… I just couldn’t understand why they were all killing each other over 25 cents.
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents
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Blonde
1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you...
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...
Implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive)...
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion...
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon...
Now you can trap it easily...
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that the lion should be in the cage...
So set the trap, sit down and wait...
4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it...
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion...
Lion's in and we are out!
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
every thing to pass in it except the lions...
Then sweep the entire forest with it...
6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire the area...
The lion is some where in the result...
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion
to trace out the lion...
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funny ideas
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say:"$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay..."
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funny ideas,
old people
