1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father.
5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t mumble. And don’t swing the stick.
9. The man who can’t dance, can’t converse, and can’t provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can’t cook, can’t clean, and badly wants a drink.
10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.
11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.
13. Telling a woman, “You’re a great person,” is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don’t love her.
14. Trying to “teach someone a lesson” never works.
15. Easy on the mayo!
16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.
17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.
18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you’re expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you’ll become a person who probably can’t be trusted.
19. Do not bring lunch to work.
20. Rainbows are God’s way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.