- "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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