- You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
- ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’
- ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
- ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
- ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
- ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
- ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’
- ‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
- ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
- ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
- ‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’
- ‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
- ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
- ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
- ‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
- ‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
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