- Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
- I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !
- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
- Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
- Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don’t be irreplaceable - if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
- The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
- What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
- How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in...
I'd really love to, but... I have to floss my cat. I've dedicated my life to linguini. I want to spend more ...
Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are s...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
How to Answer the Tough Interview Questions A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they g...
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls we...
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate Amer...
A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man’s sins were far too many and serious to allow for admi...