New Year Resolutions For Pets

  1. I will not eat other animals' poop.
  2. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  4. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  5. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  6. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
  7. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
  8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  9. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
  10. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
  11. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
  12. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
  13. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
  14. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  15. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

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