- I will not eat other animals' poop.
- I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
- Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
- Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
- Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
- Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
- Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
- Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
- January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
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Or else get a proper crack :)