- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
- You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
- You have more wives than teeth.
- You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
- You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
- You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
- You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
- You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
- You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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