- I was so poor growing up! If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
- Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
- I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
- I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
- I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
- I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
- Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.
- One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.
- My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
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