- I was so poor growing up! If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
- Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
- I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
- I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
- I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
- I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
- Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.
- One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.
- My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Friday, July 8, 2011
21 Funny One Liners
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are s...
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
Q - Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? Q - If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as ...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in...