Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she only got a skateboard!"
- Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
- Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
- If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
- Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
- Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
- Tell the instructor that you prepared for wrong subject and start crying.
- Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
- Ask for pee break every 5 minutes and tell instructor that you have a kidney problem.
- On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
- Show up completely drunk.
The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people.
They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it"
So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her.
Not the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in.
She was a blonde so they were worried. They said" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him." "Alright" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. "What the hell is going on" "Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?.... what happened next?"
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,
"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.” Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. “Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.” Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. “Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome
Tags: Funny Quotes
1. You can eat dinner at 4.00.
2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beiginning to pay off.
3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
6. Your eyes won't get much worse.
7. You sing along with the elevator music.
8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
9. Your ears are more hairy than your head.
10. People who call at 9p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A lady is having a terrible day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, being so upset, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.
He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
The officer let him go.
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN EVERY WORD.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked ‘Is my time up?’
God said, ‘No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?’
- God replied: ‘I didn’t recognize you.’
Reacting to high unemployment figures , government have decided to create thousands of new jobs in US Military which can not be out sourced.
From this year onwards some of expensive military equipments/machine will be replaced by human workforce.
Top Pentagon Officials stated in an interview that "This move will have dual benefits , on one hand it will create new jobs and on other hand it will help in reducing military expenditure". So this is a win win situation for the country.
Pentagon also issued pictures of expected job profile and urged Americans to apply for these at the earliest. A sample is posted below for reference.
APPLY NOW - HURRY
Tags: funny images
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Most of America ’s populace thinks it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my son when he has one of ‘those moments.’
One that I found effective is for me to just take my child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Toys, etc.
Either way, my son usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our car ride together. I find that it is therapeutic for both of us.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.
"With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
“Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'
'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says. ' President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts. 'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.' Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. 'The Pope,' his boss replies. 'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome . Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?' His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today?
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money and buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : DAMM PICK UP THE PHONE!
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, I'll never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said?
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a ship?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch SPORTS CHANNEL, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether David Beckham should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, again they NEVER have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
- Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
- Walk sideways to the photocopier.
- While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
- When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
- Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
- Don't use any punctuation.
- Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
- Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on Buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?” To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only PROSTITUTES and FOOTBALL players!!!!!”
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico."
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Believe in your presence of mind and never panic.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captai...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it? Answer Coffin Ther...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...