- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
- Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
- What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
- I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
- Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
- Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
- I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
- Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
- How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
- You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
- Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
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