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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

40 Reasons To Never Leave The House

  1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
  2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
  3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know.
  4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something?
  5. You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
  6. One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
  7. It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
  8. You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for havin played all those tricks on him.
  9. There's Injuns in them woods.
  10. You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
  11. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the fire.
  12. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the fire.
  13. There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
  14. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.
  15. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
  16. There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a foul ball.
  17. Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them off with.
  18. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "America's Most Wanted."
  19. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen
    on "American Gladiators."
  20. There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind. It's too cold to go out.
  21. You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to walk around like a human-accordion for a few minutes.
  22. You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.
  23. One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep your finger on it so that you won't waste water.
  24. You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.
  25. There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might turn into a werewolf.
  26. If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between "pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows how they'll take their revenge.
  27. You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay home and guard it.
  28. If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.
  29. You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
  30. You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying, "What idiot did this?"
  31. You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the area, and then...
  32. An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you might get hit by a bus.
  33. You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to leave home without it.
  34. You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve years. Well, it might happen.
  35. You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."
  36. You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them more bread.
  37. You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.
  38. You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it. Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're not dead.
  39. You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and frankly, the woman might not give a damn.
  40. You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying whether or not you left the iron on.


  1. Great list, all wonderful reasons to never ever leave the house...

  2. Since it is 23:48 in the night I just can't laugh out loud or else I'll wake my whole family but that was damn funny!


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