Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On A Flight

• Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
• Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
• Call the stewardess "nurse".
• Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
• Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
• Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
• Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
• Continually offer to share your "Beano".
• Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
• Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
• Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
• Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
• Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
• Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
• Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
• Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
• Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
• Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"