- “The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
- “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”
- “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
- “I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference!”
- "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
- "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
- "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
- “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”
- “I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - This is a somewhat new kind of religion”
- “Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking”
- "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
- "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
Q - Why is it called a TV set when there's only one?
Q - If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Q - Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick 'name?
Q - If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Q - If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Q - Do vampires get AIDS?
Q - Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Q - If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Q - Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Q - Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Q - If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner instead of chasing Road-Runner?
Q - How can you hear yourself think?
Q - If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
8. My reality cheque bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
28. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.
29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
30. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane.
How to Answer the Tough Interview Questions
A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:
Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.
You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
For all those of u aiming for job switches...............
How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.
Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.
Tags: Text Jokes
Kid are maturing very fast these days. If the trend continues following could be a reality one day.
WIFE: "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Now for after the marriage conversation you can read it in reverse order :-)
Every time in my orkut
I see you. I scrap you.
That is how I know you
Far across the Scrap Book
And testimonials between us
You have come to show you. Go on..
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
Once more you logged on
And you're here in my scrap book
And my scrap book will go on and on
Testimonials can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're friends
Love was when I saw your friends list
One true time I held on her 'about me',
In my life I'll surely view her/his profile
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
There is some amazing profile that will not
You're here, there's so much to fear,
And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my friends list
And my friends list will go on and on...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering...does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Tags: Text Jokes
A list of funny book names. How many have you read ?
They say that there are no "Stupid Questions".... well think again.
The best of those stupid, dumb, and funny questions. Some of them really make you think, some make your laugh, and some are just plain stupid…
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whats a question with no answer called?
- Why is a square meal served on round plates?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?
- If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
- Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Can you cry under water?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Text these and spread the humour.
It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in Britain, can u cum down the police station and show them it's a mistake?
Great Calculation: Only 20% boys have brains. Rest have Girlfriends.
Clouds r white but the sky is blue,monkey like u should b kept in the zoo, dont get angry u'll find me there too,not in the cage but laughing at u. ha! ha! ha
A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Hi i am dying to c u, i want to talk to u seriously, but I cant get 2 u, dis stupid gatekeeper is asking me 4 a ticket to enter the zoo!
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
Good news! A new way to send Romantic kiss to your girlfriend. Just call me and order your kiss. I will personally go and deliver it.
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
- Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.
- The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
- The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
- 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
- Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
- Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
- The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
- The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot. ( Don't forget Moms )
- Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
- The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
- If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over theParliament building is an American flag.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
- Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.
- Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
- Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
- If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
- Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."
- There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
- Singapore has only one train station.
- The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.
- The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
- It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
- Every year, the Moon moves a further 3.82cm from the Earth.
- Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
- There are more than 1,00 chemicals in a cup of coffee.
- Blue and white are the most common school colors.
- On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.
- The tip of a 2cm long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph
- There is about 200 times more gold in the worlds oceans, than has been mined in our entire history.
- Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
- Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
- The cockroach has a high resistance to radiation and is the creature most likely to survive a nuclear war.
Funny facts listed below are all true (believe it or not).....
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
- If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
- The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
- A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
- A cockroach can live up to nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Warning: Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)
- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")
- The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field. (30 minutes....lucky pig.... Can you imagine 30 minute orgasm??)
- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the sea?)
- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.... quality over quantity!)
- Butterflies can taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.)
- Right-handed people live, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people. (Glad to be right handed.)
- Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)
- A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
- Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
- Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???)
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman
and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their FUN, he realizes its and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few
drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You Damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"
Morale of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police
A teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids ("6" year-olds), because the last one is classic!
Strike while the .......................... .insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that. ................ ....looks dirty.
Better to be safe than............... .......punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..... ......stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before............. ......Daylight-saving Time.
You can lead a hors e to water but.... .......how?
No news is.......................... ........impossible.
A miss is as good as a................. .....Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new....... .......maths.
Love all, trust..................... ........me.
The pen is mi ghtier than the........... .....pigs.
An idle mind is........................ .....the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......... .......pollution.
Happy the bride who..................... ....gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...... ............ ..........not much.
Two's company, three's............... .......the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what........ ....you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as........... .......Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not......... ....smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed........... .....get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you.. ....see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind....... .....get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than................... .........pregnant!
"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Laloo Prasad of Bihar, sent his bio-data to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation.
A few days later he got this reply :
"Dear Mr.Laloo Prasad, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks."
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko yeh jaan kar bahut khusi hogee ki humka amereeca mein naukri mil gaya hoon."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued......
"Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter angreeje main hai isliyen hum saath-saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga."
Dear Mr.Laloo Prasad-----Pyare Laloo Prasad bhaiyya.
You do not meet----aap to miltay hi nahin.
our requirement----humko to jaroorat hai.
Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab to letter-vetter bhejne ka kaouno jaroorat hi nahin.
No phone call ----phonwa ka bhee jaroorat nahin hai.
shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and se...